


at least i'll know what it's like to have held your hand

by timetravelingpalmer



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, also, also camelot au, becasue i cant write anything without bringing up camelot at least once, but in dreams, fair warning, he already misses nora, hes already crying, ray is just sad, shes only been gone for ten minutes, this is angsty as hell, why am i tagging this last, zaris here just becasue i wanted someone to support ray
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-06
Updated: 2018-12-06
Packaged: 2019-09-13 04:37:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16885740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/timetravelingpalmer/pseuds/timetravelingpalmer
Summary: After Nora turns herself in, Ray has time to reflect. Reflect on how Nora has changed and how he feels.





	at least i'll know what it's like to have held your hand

**Author's Note:**

> just so you know the original name for this fic was 'rays sad boy hours' so at least you know what you are in for
> 
> also big thanks to @MrsNoraPalmer for reading through this for me and also giving me the idea for the end!!
> 
> please leave comments!! they make my day!!

Ray wasn’t quite sure what to do with himself. 

Usually when there was a problem, he would find himself headed to the lab, even when the problem had nothing to do with new inventions or his suit. He just tended to do his best thinking there. And more often than not he welcomed the distraction of hard work. It helps put things in perspective. 

But now, there was nothing to occupy himself with. The only thing he had been working on was some way to contact Nora, he had been trying to since she was put in jail the first time. He knew it would be dangerous for her if he went out and tried to find her, but he just wanted to make sure that she was alright, that she’s happy with her second chance. 

With the lab empty and his brain unable to come up with anything to fill it with, Ray found himself back in his room. But, he wasn’t quite sure what he could do in there either, so he settled on sitting cross legged on his bed and staring at Nora’s time stone.

The last thing he had of her.

Ray rubbed his thumb over the inscriptions on the side as he thought. What he thought about he wasn’t exactly sure. Everything had been so overwhelming. From the all too familiar way Nora looked at him before she was pulled away by the guards, to the sinking feeling that this time he might never see her again. 

He could feel tears welling up in his eyes at the thought of it. 

Ray told himself.   
But, no matter how many times he told himself that something deep inside him would scream back louder saying it wasn’t true. Nora was stuck in prison. Nothing about that was okay. Last time she was arrested it was a life sentence, and he doubted that changed. Ray’s only hope was that he would be allowed to visit her. He hated the idea of Nora being alone, sitting day in and day out in a cell.

No, that was definitely not okay. 

Ray hated this. He wasn’t used to throwing his own pity parties. When he fell down he always managed to get back up again, but right now he wasn’t sure he was ready to.

Suddenly, he heard the jumpship park and footsteps come down the hall, scattering as they all reached their own destinations. 

The muscles in his back tensed. Ray wasn’t sure if he wanted anyone to come in right now. Although, he had never been good at being alone and always seemed to crave having someone to confide in, for once he wasn’t sure that he felt like talking about his feelings. Which is something he had always urged everyone on the ship to do time and time again when things got hard. 

A few minutes passed before Gideons voice chimed in through the speakers of his room. 

“Dr. Palmer, Ms. Tomaz is wondering where you are. Would you like me to tell her to come in?”

He didn’t know if he really wanted to talk, but he was tired of being alone. So he wiped his eyes and said, “Yeah, tell her I’m in here.”

He considered hiding the time stone, shoving it under his pillow, but he knew Zari was going to ask about Nora and he couldn't lie. And if he didn't want to talk then why was he letting her in, in the first place? So he stayed where he was. He didn't want to hide his feelings. Ray still kept his head down, unable to look away from the time stone. 

Zari walked in with a smile on her face. The mission must have gone well. 

“Hey, I saw John. So everything went fine with Nora?”

Ray looked up at her before opening his mouth to answer, but Zari beat him to it once she saw the saddened look on his face. 

“Whoa, whoa, whoa. What happened?”

Ray took a deep breath before saying, “She’s in jail.”

“Okay,” Zari prodded him on as she sat next to him on the bed. 

He turned his hand out, showing the time stone. “And she’s not getting out this time.” If his tone had even shifted slightly it would seem malicious, that he’s glad she’s locked up, but it was anything but. Ray found it hard to talk without feeling the same familiar lump crawl back up his throat, leaving his voice sounding raw and broken.

“What happened exactly?” Zari could try to be nice all she wants but she was never one to new around the bush. 

“She- she turned herself in.” With that a tear ran down his cheek and the flood gates opened. At first he found it hard to talk, but now he struggled to stop. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Zari’s widen with surprise, but before she could get a chance to process any of what he said he continued on, rambling as fast as he could, as if he could say the words and they would disappear, float away and they wouldn’t be weighing down his heart anymore. 

“She saved Constantine and I told her to leave, run away and I gave her the time stone. I just wanted her to be free, have the second chance her dad wanted for her. But she said that she had to make up for what she did, but now she’s gone.” 

Zari looked at him with something close to pity in her eyes, with some mix of confusion and knowing sprinkled in.

Ray winced as awaited her next comment, expecting an ‘I told you so’. It wouldn't necessarily be out of character for a member of the legends to rub it in and revel in the fact that they were right all along. Zari told him that his feelings with Nora would only end in heartbreak, Constantine too, and here he was, letting tears leave streaks down his face as his hands were weighed down by the time stone. 

Instead of any of the mean and nasty things Ray imagined anyone could say, Zari layed her arm across his shoulder and just said “I’m sorry Ray. I was wrong about her. We all were.”

They sat in silence. Zari rubbing her fingers over his shoulder blades as his eyes remained glued to the, now seemingly useless, time stone in his hand. 

“It was terrible. they- they pointed guns at her, like she- she was dangerous. It was scary.” 

Another shuddering breath.

“After they pulled her away one of the agents- he patted me on the shoulder, he congratulated me, thanked me, for bringing her in. That’s not- I didn’t want..” Ray couldn’t find the right words to describe what he was feeling. Everything was too jumbled and confusing.

Before he could get himself too worked up Zari interrupted. “I know Ray.”

It was as comforting as he could ask for. He didn’t imagine that she would understand, that any would when it came to Nora. 

“She doing the right thing. Most likely because of you.”

Ray wanted to scream.There was no way that this was the right thing. Nothing about the image of Nora locked in cell was right. She shouldn’t have been in jail in the first place. She should be able to be free without having to be locked away first.

The other part of Ray felt nothing but guilt on behalf of its pair. He wanted Nora be be a better person and she seems to be doing just that. It was selfish of him to only want freedom for her on his terms. 

Ray sighed. “I didn’t want this to happen though.”

“I know you didn’t”

He closed his eyes, breathing in and out, much more slowly than he was before. 

“This is all so dumb,” Ray said, causing Zari to look at him with confusion. “I’m the one that wanted her to be better and now I’m upset that she is? I should be happy she’s choosing to be better but no I’m sitting here making this about me. I only wanted her to be better if it was on my terms”

Ray felt terrible, selfish even, which isn’t something he usually can call himself. This wasn’t about him. This was about Nora choosing to be a good person, to do her time so she can really be free. He thought that it was selfish of him to try and get her to run, allowing himself to hold on to the fantasy of her finding a life and being happy, when it was never up to him to decide what Nora would do. It was so much easier to imagine her out on adventures and using her magic for good then to imagine her locked up in a cell. That picture in his mind is what got him through the past six months without her and now that it was taken away he was left to face the truth. 

That to everyone else but him, Nora was a criminal, and it wasn’t up to him to save her from the people who thought that because she agreed with them on some level. 

“Wanting her to be better and wanting her in jail are two very different things Ray.” Zari’s voice cut into his more negative than usual train of thought. “You shouldn’t beat yourself up over this. You are allowed to be sad that she’s locked up, but you also have to understand that, at least right now it’s probably for the best.”

Ray bit his lip, holding in a flood of contradictions that claim the same thing.   
But now, he was starting to understand. Understand that things couldn’t be the way he wanted it to be now, maybe not ever, but hopefully soon. 

Another deep breath.

“It’s just not fair,” there wasn’t fight left in his voice. Now he was just stating a simple fact. That none of this was fair. If it was Nora would be here next to him. 

“I know Ray” Zari said it quietly, because there was nothing else she could say. 

Even though Ray invited her in he was suddenly overcome with wanting to be alone. He had taken his own advice and gotten his feelings out but now there was nothing left to say. Both of them just sat on the bed, faced with the sad truth with nothing left to comment on it. There was nothing else to talk about and no way that Zari would ever really understand how he feels even though he appreciated her trying

“I- I think I’m gonna go to bed.”

It wasn’t an outright lie, which is the only reason that it worked. He was tired and his eyes were getting droopy, but claiming to need sleep isn’t what he wanted to say. Ray wanted to be blunt just tell her to leave, that he needed to be alone. He’s sure Zari would understand, and maybe she even saw right through him, but this all seemed easier in his head. 

“Okay. Just… don’t beat yourself up too much. Being upset is okay.”

Zari left and the room fell quiet, making Rays shuddering breaths ring in his ears.

\-------

Ray thought it would be hard to go to sleep. He like he should be tossing and turning, unable to stop thinking of what happened when Nora threw her hand down over his as she held the time stone, but it seemed like his mind needed its own break. It was exhausted from reliving the same sad scene over and over. So, surprisingly, sleep came easy. As did the dreams

He used to always forget his dreams but when they started being about Nora it was hard to. Every smile she gave him felt so real, Ray couldn’t bring himself to forget, even if it wasn’t real. 

This one started out the same as many have, with him wandering through a sunny forest, one he recognized as Camelot, with heavy armour resting on his shoulders. Sometimes he came across danger and saved Nora from and other times the danger found him first and she saved him. But, this time it was quiet, the rustling leaves and the singing birds absent. 

He kept walking with no sense of direction, not even certain that he was the one moving his feet, just the person allowing them to go where they please. Apparently, they did know where they were going because soon he found himself by some sort of cave, carved out from a small hill. Mangled tree roots wound their way over the only way to see into the small underground room, leaving small gaps in between them as big as Rays fist. It felt like looking into the window of a basement, but instead of it made of glass and metal it was made from the earth. 

Ray peaked through the gaps and there she was. He immediately bent down getting as close to the small opening as possible to get to her. “Nora?” he called out. 

She turned around, now showing her whole face. She looked as beautiful as ever, her hair framing her blushing face, and a far to clean and proper dress compared to the bleak, dirty room she was in. For a second, Ray was stunned, as he always was when he saw her, in real life or otherwise. 

“Ray,” was all she said. She sounded happy, like after she saved Constantine, after she got to be the hero instead of the villian. Ray could have sat there listening to her talk until he woke up again. But, her tone didn’t make sense considering her circumstances, trapped in some underground dungeon.

Then, he remembered the situation and wrapped his hand around one of the roots “Are you trapped?” Ray asked nervously. “Are you okay? I’ll get you out.”

Just as he said that metal armour disappeared, leaving him in typical clothes he would wear on the waverider. He was no longer a knight in shining armour, no longer a hero who could save her, now he was just Ray. “No, no, no…” he muttered under his breath. He pulled on the roots, trying to pull them apart, but suddenly they were hard as iron, nearly unbreakable. “No!”

“Ray,” Nora said again. Not as softly but still just a sweet. Her tone tempted him to stop but her had to get her out. “Ray, look at me.” 

Nora hands wound their way around his and he felt it again. The spark. The same spark he felt when he first gave Nora the time stone and the same spark he felt today when she returned it to him. 

He stopped pulling on the bars and looked up. She was smiling but it had a certain sadness to it. Not for her, for him. 

“You don’t need to save me. This is just where I need to be right now.”

“But you shouldn’t be. You did nothing wrong.” Ray was pleading with her, still desperate to get her out. 

This time her smile lost its sadness. “Of course you would think that.” She sighed. “I’ll be okay Ray. I’ll be free. And hopefully, I’ll see you again soon.”

Tears welled up in his eyes. “I’ll miss you.”

She gripped his hand a little tighter. “I’ll miss you too. But you need to go Ray, there are people that need you.”

“But I want to be there for you too.” He did. Lately it seemed like all he wanted. 

“You have been. And you still are.” She took one of his hands with both of hers and pulled it through the gaps and pressed a light kiss to his knuckles. Nora squeezed his hand and the sparks returned. 

Then he was awake. 

The time stone still lay in his hand, having fallen asleep without wanting to part with it, which still felt the effects of have Nora in it, even if it was just a dream.

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you liked it!! if you did please leave a comment!! all comments make she so happy!!


End file.
